Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
