I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
are you wasted or are you getting laid?
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
19 Characteristics That Make People Instantly Attractive
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
25 People Confess What They’re Shamefully Attracted To
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?