I just threw up on my dentist
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
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I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
15 Times “Flight of the Conchords” Made You Feel Better About Being a Twenty-Something
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.