I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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