My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
Randomize
