sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
