I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Randomize
