I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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