Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Randomize
