Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
BROstal carolina. Watching a boy drinking rum and coke out of a cup of noodle empty cup.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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