I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
