and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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