Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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