The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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