Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
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