chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Randomize
