I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
