Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
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I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
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The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I touched a dick in church today
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
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