I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
Randomize
