Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Randomize
