chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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