On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Randomize
