I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
I had to cum in my sink.
Randomize
