She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
