Consumer Beware: Redhead has herpes.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
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