I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Life without a bra equals bliss.
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