this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
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