If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
