my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
