So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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