his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
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