U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
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