Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
