Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
There's always time for handjobs
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Randomize
