dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
