I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
