I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
