I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
her facebook's as public as her vagina
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
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