I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
handjob tips. give me some.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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