he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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