Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Randomize
