Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
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I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
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So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
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