My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
