I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
then he tried to convert me to islam
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
