There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
should my penis look like a turkey
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
