just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
