you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
He? As in you personified your dick?
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
