Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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