i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
From the same High Brittany who brought you such thoughts as, "Fuck, am I wearing shoes?" Comes High Brittany on a date! Stay tuned. This will be interesting.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Randomize
