you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
