I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
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