I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
