Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
I just found puke in my bra..
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Randomize
