so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Randomize
