Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
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Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
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Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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