I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
