I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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