Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
